St. John Paul II reminded us often that every human being is created in the image and likeness of God, possessing an inviolable dignity. In our Catholic communities, we strive to honor this truth in our homes, our marriages and our families. We often picture the ideal Catholic family as a place of safety, prayer and mutual respect.

Yet, domestic violence can exist even in families that appear faithful and stable. It is not always visible through bruises or public outbursts. Often, it hides in silence, manifesting as control, isolation or fear that contradicts the very dignity God bestowed upon us. Because it looks so different from what we expect, it can be easy to miss — even for those who love us most. Understanding what domestic violence looks like is the first step toward protecting that divine image in ourselves and our neighbors.

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is not limited to physical harm. It includes patterns of behavior used to gain power or control over another person. Some of the warning signs of abuse according to the U.S. Bishops’ “When I call for help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence” include:

• Emotional intimidation or humiliation
• Isolation from family or community
• Spiritual manipulation
• Financial control
• Verbal aggression
• Threats or coercive behavior
• Physical or sexual assault

These things often happen behind closed doors and may be difficult for outsiders to recognize.

The cycle of abuse

Domestic violence often follows a predictable pattern, which can make it especially confusing for those living it, creating deep confusion and false hope. It begins with a period of tension building, where the atmosphere in the home feels fragile, and the victim may feel they must "walk on eggshells" to avoid an explosion. This leads to some kind of incident that could be an outburst of rage, cruel words, spiritual manipulation or physical intimidation.

Cycle of confusion

Following the incident, there is often a period of reconciliation. The perpetrator may apologize profusely, promise to change or blame stress or external factors. For a faithful Catholic spouse, this phase is particularly difficult to navigate. This cycle can create hope. The loving moments feel real, and they often are. But when the pattern repeats over time, the relationship becomes unstable, and the victim may begin to doubt their own perception of what is happening.

Apologies may be interpreted as genuine signs of conversion or thoughts that forgiveness and patience will finally heal the relationship. However, without professional intervention and true accountability, this cycle repeats. The good times are not proof that the abuse has ended; they are often part of the trap that keeps the victim hoping and staying, believing that the person they married is still fully present, when the pattern of control remains intact. For Catholics, this can be especially disorienting. The church teaches perseverance in marriage, but Canon Law 1153 teaches that love does not require enduring harm. Recognizing and addressing abuse is not a failure of faith; it is a step toward clarity and safety.

Taking the first step to safety

Recognizing these patterns is the first act of courage. For many, the thought of seeking help feels like a failure of faith or a betrayal of the marriage vow. But the church teaches that protecting the safety of both spouses and of the family is a moral imperative, and no one needs to endure harm to be a good Catholic. Reaching out is not an admission of defeat; it is a step toward healing and truth.

If you or someone you know recognizes these signs, please know that confidential support is available. You are not alone, and there are people ready to walk with you toward safety and peace.

Resources for married couples in turmoil

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
• The Diocese of Austin Office of Life, Marriage and Family offers resources for preparing for marriage and sustaining marriage. Call (512) 949-2482 or visit austindiocese.org/life-marriage-family.
• Hope's Garden offers spiritual and emotional support for marriages navigating crisis. Visit www.hopesgarden.com.
• When I call for help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence. Search for the letter from the U.S. Bishops on domestic violence and for other marriage topics at usccb.org.
• The Diocese of Cleveland created a Coercive Control Advocacy Handbook. Find the handbook at www.dioceseofcleveland.org.